What is controlling behavior and is it destroying your marriage? Mate control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying your partner’s physical and emotional integrity so that she/he will be afraid to be him/herself, will be unable to control him/herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by the Abuser. Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented through verbal abuse, body language, and deprivation (withholding). These behaviors are the way the abuser treats their partner. Abuse is always about control.  Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, the root of it is about controlling their partner, subtly or openly. Here are some controlling behaviors or words:

CONTROLLING THEIR TIME :  The abuser controls their partner’s time by making them wait. The Abuser says they are ready to talk or do something, but will continue doing something else while their partner waits. If their partner complains of having to wait, the Abuser will blame them for “not having enough patience”, “I have to wait on you too”, or “Do you expect me just to drop everything?!”– thereby blaming their partner for the delay. This also commonly occurs when the abuser is called to a meal, family activity, or when everyone else is ready to leave.  A subtle way of controlling a partner’s time is to leave most, if not all, of the work for their partner to do-then complaining about anything they do for themselves, or what they do not get done. The abuser may also control the partner’s time by grandstanding by denying something that happened, minimizing it or redirect the attention to a different issue.  They might also proclaim that “you’re causing the problem by bringing it up,” “no one else notices,” “everyone else does, so why can’t I,”  Diverting, countering, blocking, “forgetting” are also common ways to control the partner’s time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate- -to do so would be giving up control.

CONTROLLING THEIR MATERIAL RESOURCES : The verbal abuser may control one or all of their partner’s material resources by withholding information regarding the family financials.  Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing them to act on their own, to beg, to plead, or to do without things they need.  In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from their spouse that is necessary for their survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or the Abuser’s entire salary).  The Abuser gives no thought to “spending their own money on themselves” and refuses to acknowledge what the financial control and selfishness is doing to their spouse and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while the Abuser feels in control and free!

CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES :  The verbal abuser uses body language to control their partner, just as they use words. The words and gestures often go together.  Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger: sulking, stomping out, refusing to talk, walking away. refusing to give their spouse something, hitting or kicking something, refusing to make eye contact, driving recklessly, showing boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs, withdrawing or withholding affection, showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds, strutting and posturing

CONTROLLING BY DEFINING THEIR REALITY :  This form of control is very oppressive.   When an Abuser tells their partner what reality is, they are discounting the partner’s experience by defining “THE TRUTH”-which in fact is a distortion.  Some examples: “That’s not what you said” or “That’s not what I said” or “That’s not what you did” or “That’s not what I did” or “That’s not what happened. That’s not what you saw. That’s not what you felt. That’s not why you did it”.

CONTROLLING BY MAKING THEM RESPONSIBLE : The Abuser blames their partner for their own actions, they attempt to avoid all responsibility and accountability for their own behavior. Examples include: “I did it because you… I didn’t because you didn’t remind me.”

CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING THEIR PARTNER : Belittling, laughing at or smirking, offensive jokes, mimicking their partner, patronizing, scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice, ignoring, “I’m not listening to you”, avoiding eye contact, turning away, insulting their partner, making inappropriate sounds, making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs, starting a sentence then stating, “Forget it..” Controlling behaviors such as those above are used by verbal abusers to gain feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in their own life starts to elevate.

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