Divorce court and the legal divorce process can be a very emotionally unsettling experience. When a family has reached the height of their emotional/relational crisis and decides the only solution is to dissolve the marriage adding another layer of emotional wounding through a litigious court battle can have devastating effects on not only the immediate family but also extended family members. Many are shocked by the reactions and behaviors of their closest family members, usually expecting their core support system to be the rock that they can rely on. Let’s explore the top 7 expectations and assumptions people have of their family during divorce that usually fall short and disappoint.

Assumption 1: They will tell the truth in every proceeding. Many spouses are shocked, even devastated when their soon-to-be-Ex makes outlandish, ridiculous, slanderous remarks and claims regarding their character, habits, behaviors, parenting skills or when their spouse provides financial information that is grossly lacking legitimate numbers. A common rule of thumb is if there has been any sort of deception in the marriage, you can bet there will be deception during the divorce.

Assumption 2: Their spouse or those who testify will be arrested for perjury if they don’t tell the truth. This never happens, the only “truth” the Judge will consider is what is supported with documented evidence.

Assumption 3: If their in-laws have been on “their side” regarding the marital problems and issues, in court the in-laws will still be on their side and tell the truth. What a spouse’s close and extended relatives say in court or claim in affidavit documents usually lean in favor of those they are related to, despite their previous relationship with both partners’ pre-divorce filings. The old adage “blood is thicker than water” holds true as these relatives know once the divorce is final they will still have to maintain a relationship with their own blood and rarely consider the consequences they impose on the soon to be ex-spouse.

Assumption 4: If they blame themselves for their spouse’s issues, then when the divorce is filed they will expect their spouse to suddenly become reasonable about all matters because the source of the problem (the self blaming client) is leaving the marriage. Most assume once they file for divorce all the angst of the relationship will disappear because they are finally “giving their spouse what they wanted” by divorce. They feel that it will be the end of all of the trouble, and they will immediately start to experience relief as soon as they file, but actually even more trouble begins with the litigious legal process and can escalate to unbelievably challenging levels and usually won’t settle down until well after settlements have been finalized. Divorcing families need to know that things will get worse before they get better and they need to prepare themselves for this uphill battle well before they start it.

Assumption 5: If they are dependent on their spouse for food, shelter, day to day living expenses, insurance, etc. that the spouse would never cut those off. Sadly some spouses can be horribly vindictive and strategize that by severing access to basic means of survival they can then have some sort of advantage and force their partner into an unfair settlement agreement.

Assumption 6: The spouse will follow everything in the court paperwork and orders. Families need to recognize that a person will be more motivated to carry out and fulfill in good faith those items that they personally had a say in and agreed to do, not those that a third party (Judge) ordered them to do. Simply getting a court order for child support or alimony does not necessary mean these will be received. Dead-beat spouses know full well how difficult and costly it is to return to court to enforce a court ordered decree. The family will fare much better when the parties mediate a settlement that serves both of their needs, where both parties have input and make commitments they can live with. 

Assumption 7: Everyone (spouse, in laws, extended family members) will put all their adult issues aside and focus on the best interests of the children. Far too often the legal divorce arena brings out the most immature, vindictive nature of a tense-filled relationship and the children are caught in the crossfire.

Having one or more of these expectations can easily lead to emotional derailment through the divorce process. The harsh reality is the judicial system in Georgia’s civil divorce cases is only designed to uphold the laws of the state regarding the equitable distribution of family assets and designing a parenting custody contract for issues regarding children. It rarely passes judgment on the moral or ethical behaviors that lead to the breakdown of the family relationship.

The legal outcome of a trial can be extremely unpredictable. We have heard many stories from clients post divorce who spent $50,000 – $100,000 preparing for trial only to be told by a Judge to “Go back out into the hallway, resolve your differences and do not report back to the court until a resolution between parties is reached”. By then the relational dynamics of the family support system have been challenged to such depths that many times it cannot be recovered or repaired. So why engage in a lengthy, costly, additionally wounding process if the outcome will be more peaceful if families sit down and settle their differences up front?

Divorce Mediation Centers can provide families with professional guidance and support that can help families avoid a litigious, conflicted divorce process in order for the family to move forward in a more peaceful way.

(*Points shared by Leslie Dinkins-Perez, LCSW-Presenter- “Great Expectations of Divorce Court” NASW Georgia Chapter Annual State Conferences 2011-2013)

More information on this topic in our upcoming publication available on Amazon.com after July 30, 2015 Family Divorce Therapy 101-A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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