A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know

Abusive Tactics in Divorcing Couples-Part 7-Post Divorce Expectations

This is the final article to this series on abusive spouses in divorce explaining abusive tactics in divorcing couples and post divorce expectations. Even after an abusive marriage and a couple divorces, abusive spouses tend to attempt to maintain power and control over their ex-spouse post divorce. Many times a survivor has to accept unfair settlement terms or a lop-sided financial or custodial court order due to their abusers masterful art of manipulation of the authorities or the unpredictability of outcomes of trial court cases. A survivor can minimize the effects of their abuser’s behavior by having realistic post divorce expectations and taking a few added measures to set safe and healthy boundaries to protect themselves should issues arise in the future.

In Splitting-Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Author, LCSW and Seasoned Divorce Attorney and Mediator, Bill Eddy advises on reasonable post divorce expectations and smart practices:  

Prepare for the Post-Divorce Relationship

Sometimes the best approach is to work on acceptance of the court’s orders in therapy. You may be absolutely correct that the orders were bad, that the court completely misunderstood your case, but sometimes nothing can be done. This is the time to focus on doing the best you can with the situation. Make the most of your time with your children, your positive influence may outweigh the harm you fear the other parent will do.

– Expect the high conflict to remain years after the divorce

-Avoid being too close to the ex-spouse

-Avoid being too rejecting of the ex-spouse

-Deal with the ex-spouse “at arm’s length”

Expect new battles and keep good records of parenting problems, confrontations and visitation-exchange behavior. Some of the worst legal custody battles occur after the divorce is actually over. The apparent catalyst in many of these cases is the request to reduce child support. The best defense against such a post divorce battle is to continue to keep records on parenting behavior and to have other people witness that the child is doing well with you. Photos and videotapes of good times together with you and the children help block new allegations.

Keeping in line with an abusers need to maintain power and control it is not uncommon for them to attempt to go back to court multiple times post divorce as an avenue to further financially and emotionally abuse their ex-spouse, especially if they believe they were successful in manipulating the legal system. These court battles can be quite costly with little to no gain to either party but resulting in substantial loss to family funds for legal representation. This is why good records (diaries, bank statements, etc.) are so important. It will take hard evidence such as this to quickly resolve these filings for modifications of the original court order.

More information on this topic in our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists:   Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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Disclaimer: This is my personal blog. The opinions I express here do not necessarily represent those of my organization, Transitions Resource, LLC. The information I provide is on an as-is basis. I make no representations as to accuracy, completeness, suitability, or validity of any information on this blog and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its use.

The post Abusive Spouses & Post Divorce Expectations first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center.