co-parent communication is key to success

Healthy Co-Parenting Skills-Part 3

Communication between co-parents should include courtesy, respect, acceptance and focus on the child’s needs and best interests. Even though the family format has changed, as long as the parents share children between them, they will always be a family, simply structured differently, so respectful co-parenting communication is the key to success.

As the children mature, co-parents will still want to participate in significant events in the children’s lives such as sporting events, school performances, birthdays, graduations, weddings and birth of grandchildren. Establishing a good track record of communication eases the burden for the children.

Parents would be well-served to seek professional counsel and support to overcome bitterness and anger toward their ex-spouse in order to establish a healthy pattern of communication and problem solving with their co-parent. If they can learn to perceive their co-parenting relationship more as a “business partnership” it can help minimize the emotional reactions when issues arise.

Here is an example of a 4 step systematic approach to reach a conflict resolution:

Establish an agenda in advance: arrange to meet and talk with each other regarding a specific item. You might say “ I’d like to meet with you in the next few days to discuss the summer vacation schedule”

State the issue in very specific terms: “I’d like to explore the possibility of taking the kids to…”

Ask for what you need: “I will need to ask for time off from work in advance so I need to finalize this as soon as possible.”

Do not expect complete cooperation all of the time: anticipate resistance and have a back-up/alternative plan to offer instead

Additional tips:

Establish a cooperative pattern: be proactive in suggesting how you can support and help your co-parent without having to be asked, this sets the tone for a cooperative response when you find yourself in an unforeseen tight spot

Expect to constantly evaluate and re-negotiate the parenting plan: having realistic expectations that things change as children grow and their needs and expenses may need to be adjusted requires flexibility (issues such as braces, class trips, college tuition may not have been anticipated through the separation/divorce process). Parenting plans should be reviewed regularly to make sure the needs of the children are met.

For more information on this topic please buy our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists:   Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)For more divorce advice and cost saving tips please buy our book Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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