Family Divorce 101

 How can we minimize child wounding of divorce? Marti Kitchens-Cobb, LMFT and Jeri Amann-Apple, LMFT, LCSW , co-creators of the Georgia Divorce Court mandated divorcing parent’s seminar,  Children of Divorce© contribute to our blog today and share that all children need to experience their childhood fully. They need to love and to feel loved and supported by both parents. They need to feel safe, both physically and emotionally.

Research shows that as a child matures, their attachments to parents can change and can be with more than one person. Divorce can be traumatic for children, but a high conflict marriage can be even more traumatizing. Attachment buffers the impact of the trauma. Positive parenting and secure attachments to both parents during and after divorce are factors that significantly increase the likelihood that children will adjust and cope well with the changes.

All children of divorce experience their parents’ conflict. They worry about who will take care of them; they fear the loss of one or both of their parents; experience loyalty conflicts; often blame themselves for the divorce; experience feelings of mad, sad, scared and lonely and have fantasies of their parents getting back together. With divorce children feel the loss of their sense of family and security, the loss of one parent or even both parents and the loss of the known, predictable familiar routine of life as they know it.

Here are some well known stressors for kids, and how parents can help reduce these:

STRESSORS FOR KIDS                                 HOW PARENTS CAN HELP

Parental Conflict                                             Proactively develop skills for conflict management

Divided loyalties                                              Acknowledge and encourage the relationship with other parent

Feeling caught in the middle                        Don’t use kids as messengers, spies or pawns

Too many changes too soon                          Minimize the number of changes (school, home, community)

Worry about their parents                             Parents seek support from adults, not their kids

Feeling responsible                                          Communicate and reassure it’s not their fault,

Loss of contact with one/both parent          Have a parenting plan and stick to it, be there, be on time

Transitions between homes                            Have kids ready; allow them to take toys, clothes, lovies

New relationships/parental                           Separate parental needs from kids need

Be aware that dating causes stress for kids

Have empathy for the kids and allow time for them to grieve both the divorce and any new family

More information on this topic in our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists:   Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

More divorce support, advice and tips in Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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Disclaimer: This is my personal blog. The opinions I express here do not necessarily represent those of my organization, Transitions Resource, LLC. The information I provide is on an as-is basis. I make no representations as to accuracy, completeness, suitability, or validity of any information on this blog and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its use.