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The Necessity of an Informal Separation Agreement

When a spouse or couple comes to see us at our Divorce Mediation Centers regarding consideration of divorce, oftentimes they have not taken valuable steps to try to save their marriage. If they are not already working with a licensed counselor, I always recommend counseling first (both individually/then together if their professionals deem appropriate, necessary and emotionally safe).

Secondly I might recommend a temporary separation (6-9 months) if they have not tried that yet. Often a temporary break from chronic tension/chaos, etc. can help each spouse secure a peaceful mindset to further discern what their future desires actually are. Not only does this create “space” between the partners, but this is an excellent opportunity for each partner to get a sense of what being a Divorcee’ is truly like (i.e. the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence , being a single parent or just plain single again is HARD!). And we have witnessed many a reconciliation post separation for just this reason!

A few advisory warnings however, when couples separate, they put their family financial and individual financial situation at some vulnerable risks . I always recommend that BEFORE the spouses physically separate that they put down in writing an informal agreement on HOW they intend to maintain status quo while separated. If they are already separated, we still recommend they draw up an informal separation agreement so there is a common understanding between spouses. Issues like how the household expenses will continue to be maintained and what is expected regarding the marital assets and marital debts. They should also discuss how they intend to continue childcare- parenting time with the children and dependent child related expenses. They do NOT necessarily need to officially file a legal separation agreement with their county civil court, however a signed agreement between the spouses is very important.

I refer these clients to one of our seasoned professional mediators to help them prepare this document. This also protects them from the most vulnerable area which is credit issues with their spouse. Remember, marital assets are all assets generated by both partners during the marriage, but ALSO marital debts are all debts generated by both partners while married, regardless of whether they are physically living together or not.

We have witnessed many scenarios wherein one spouse demands a partner move out due to an unpleasant relational or behavioral issue (infidelity, addiction, etc.) and that spouse then retaliates for being “forced” out of the family home by refusing to maintain the marital expense obligations, or worse, runs up an enormous bill extravagantly furnishing temporary digs that the family now has to figure out how to pay off. And then a spouse feels their only recourse is to immediately run out, hire a Attorney to “get the bills paid” and before they know it, the family is embroiled in a high conflict, litigious divorce court battle headed for a $50,000* hit to their wallet. Sad but true, this happens far more often than most would think.

It is very important that the partners take the time to consider a few financial factors before they make changes (even temporary changes) to their family structure and routine. A good “understanding for temporary separate living arrangement agreement” would include the following items:

-Proposed length of time of separation

-Goals for the separation (stated in clear behavioral terms i.e. what parties can and cannot do while separated)

-How will routine household bills be paid during this time

-How would routine credit card bills be paid during this time (with an agreed upon threshold figure for “big purchase items”)

-How will the children be parented during this time (outlining time with each parent)

-How will the couple communicate about their situation during this time

-Will the couple see each other for dates during this time, if so how often

-Will the couple seek individual counseling with marital/family specialists

-How will expenses for dependent children be paid during this time

-If one or both spouses decides to pursue divorce that both parties agree to choose a low conflict/low cost method of settlement and avoid divorce court

Please encourage your clients considering separation or who are already separated to contact our Divorce Mediation Centers so that we can help them document their arrangement and protect them should something go sour in the marriage. A very nominal expense on the front end to do things the right way could end up saving the family thousands of dollars in the long run.We do have these guideline forms available for a fee for those not convenient to our Georgia centers.

For more information on this topic please buy our new book Family Divorce 101 -A Guide to What Divorcing Families Should Know or our book for Therapists:   Family Divorce Therapy 101 -A Clinician’s Guide to Best Practices for Treating Families Pre/During/Post Divorce (Amazon)

For more divorce advice and cost saving tips please buy our book Transitions Divorce® Prep Workbook

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  *average cost of divorce in Georgia according to the Atlanta Journal Constitution (article 2012)  

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Disclaimer: This is my personal blog. The opinions I express here do not necessarily represent those of my organization, Transitions Resource, LLC. The information I provide is on an as-is basis. I make no representations as to accuracy, completeness, suitability, or validity of any information on this blog and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its use.

The post Why an Informal Separation Agreement Protects Your Marriage first appeared on Divorce Mediation Center.